Haynes

2004/08/23 18:28:00

I got this in the e-post today made me chuckle quite a bit.

> Haynes Manual Translation
>
> Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
> Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
> anticlockwise.
>
> Haynes: This is a snug fit.
> Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
>
> Haynes: This is a tight fit.
> Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
>
> Haynes: As described in Chapter 7…
> Translation: That’ll teach you not to read through before you start,
> now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
>
> Haynes: Pry…
> Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into…
>
> Haynes: Undo…
> Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
>
> Haynes: Retain tiny spring…
> Translation: “Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out”!
>
> Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb…
> Translation: OK - that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers
> to dig out the bayonet part.
>
> Haynes: Lightly…
> Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
> forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are
> doing now cannot be considered “lightly”.
>
> Haynes: Weekly checks…
> Translation: If it isn’t broken don’t fix it!
>
> Haynes: Routine maintenance…
> Translation: If it isn’t broken… it’s about to be!
>
> Haynes: One spanner rating.
> Translation: Your Mum could do this… so how did you manage to botch
> it up?
>
> Haynes: Two spanner rating.
> Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
> low, tiny, ikkle number… but you also thought that the wiring
> diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have
> been more use to you).
>
> Haynes: Four spanner rating.
> Translation: You are seriously considering this aren’t you, you pleb!
>
> Haynes: Five spanner rating.
> Translation: OK - but don’t expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
>
> Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this…
> Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
>
> Haynes: Compress…
> Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
> at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of
> the garage whilst muttering “bugger” repeatedly under your breath.
>
> Haynes: Inspect…
> Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
> looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife “Yep, as
> I thought, it’s going to need a new one”!
>
> Haynes: Carefully…
> Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
>
> Haynes: Retaining nut…
> Translation: Yes, that’s it, that big spherical blob of rust.
>
> Haynes: Get an assistant…
> Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
> know.
>
> Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
>
> Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
> harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has
> subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit
> the spark plugs.
>
> Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
> Translation: But you swear in different places.
>
> Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs…
> Translation: Snap off…
>
> Haynes: Using a suitable drift…
> Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn’t a suitable drift!
>
>
> Haynes: Everyday toolkit
> Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
>
> Haynes: Apply moderate heat…
> Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn’t moderate
> heat.
>
> Haynes: Index
> Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want
> to do!
>

Thanks Chris.

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